HARDER FOR WHOM?

Strange. Here I've been (and some others too) thinking about how it would be for our best to start letting go. More for his best because now, he's the one loving more. Or actually, he's the only one loving the same way of before. 

So I tell him, "You should start letting go of me now. Because I don't know if and when I'll be coming around to bring back the love. I really have no idea". 

Do I miss him? yes. 
Do I miss us? Yes. 
So what's the problem? I don't miss him enough to have to want to spend the rest of my life with him. Like before. Or at least, I still don't know if that's what I want. 

So  I can't do anything about it. 

He's not the only one coping. And I feel the adjustments will linger longer for me than for him. Now he just has to start coping with the loss of my love. 

As for me, from coping with how to not be guilty about my inability to return the love. As he starts to cope and let go of me, while I may think that I've already let go, the actual feeling and knowledge that he has let go of me, may very well be another emotional hurdle for me. 

I don't know, however, if the pain, sadness or loss that I will feel when that happens will only be a result of vanity or sentimentality. But I think, while I do not feel the loneliness now, the kind of loneliness he feels. I might feel it once I see and feel that he's totally moved on from me. Because, while my feelings have changed for him, I don't have someone to catch me from all this. None at this moment. 

It may seem harder for him to deal with things now, but I have a nagging feeling it might be harder for me in the longer run... unless I can catch myself or someone's there to catch me. 

My prayer now is this. If the time comes that my feelings don't return, that we indeed definitely go our separate ways, live our separate lives and  he's moved on from me, it won't be too hard for me and someone will be there to catch me if i can't catch myself...

UNWAVERING HOPE

Unwavering obedience for God's plan in our life, 

no matter how hard, painful and uncomfortable at first. 

If we focus our eyes to the One Who called us. 

He will surely lead us through and through.

 

-Proverbs 4:25

LIMBO

"I know that I will live to see the Lord's goodness in the present life. Trust in the Lord. Have Faith. Do not despair. Trust in the Lord"
- Psalm 24: 13-14

This verse is probably the perfect answer to my title, which is where I feel i am now, in limbo, emotional limbo, if there is such a thing.


Neither here nor there. But I know deep inside I know where I am, but I just can't bring my self to 'cross-over' to the other side. To venture back into the unknown. The hesitation, though is not because of the fear or uncertainty with the unknown that's in store for me, but because of the difficulty to let go of what I'll be leaving behind knowing the pain that it will cause.


I am currently confused. About why this had to happen and about what to do. I don't know if at this point I just choose to be confused because knowing the real answer /explanation to this situation is just such a bitter pill to swallow.


I now constantly pray for clarity and strength. That by the time I reach the clarity that I need, that I'd immediately have the strength and courage to act on it, no matter how painful & uncertain the outcome. Because all I need to do is put my full trust in Him. Do I fully trust Him? I know I do, for myself I do. But for the one who will feel the most pain, I need to trust Him to, that He will give comfort when I can't. That He will give us both peace.

I ask that I don't know why this is happening, but maybe at the very back of my mind, a very small part of me knows why, or has known why. It's just a matter of accepting it and moving on. I know though, I can can never leave, that I can never forget. Because it will always be special to me. I will always care. I will always love, maybe not in the same way, but I will.


I pray for peace. I pray for clarity. I pray for strength. I pray for courage. I pray for emotional stability. I pray for all to work out for God's purpose and greater glory.