Feels Different....

That calm feeling of contentment

vs.

The exciting feeling of electricity, 

every word feels like a shooting star 

HARDER FOR WHOM?

Strange. Here I've been (and some others too) thinking about how it would be for our best to start letting go. More for his best because now, he's the one loving more. Or actually, he's the only one loving the same way of before. 

So I tell him, "You should start letting go of me now. Because I don't know if and when I'll be coming around to bring back the love. I really have no idea". 

Do I miss him? yes. 
Do I miss us? Yes. 
So what's the problem? I don't miss him enough to have to want to spend the rest of my life with him. Like before. Or at least, I still don't know if that's what I want. 

So  I can't do anything about it. 

He's not the only one coping. And I feel the adjustments will linger longer for me than for him. Now he just has to start coping with the loss of my love. 

As for me, from coping with how to not be guilty about my inability to return the love. As he starts to cope and let go of me, while I may think that I've already let go, the actual feeling and knowledge that he has let go of me, may very well be another emotional hurdle for me. 

I don't know, however, if the pain, sadness or loss that I will feel when that happens will only be a result of vanity or sentimentality. But I think, while I do not feel the loneliness now, the kind of loneliness he feels. I might feel it once I see and feel that he's totally moved on from me. Because, while my feelings have changed for him, I don't have someone to catch me from all this. None at this moment. 

It may seem harder for him to deal with things now, but I have a nagging feeling it might be harder for me in the longer run... unless I can catch myself or someone's there to catch me. 

My prayer now is this. If the time comes that my feelings don't return, that we indeed definitely go our separate ways, live our separate lives and  he's moved on from me, it won't be too hard for me and someone will be there to catch me if i can't catch myself...

UNWAVERING HOPE

Unwavering obedience for God's plan in our life, 

no matter how hard, painful and uncomfortable at first. 

If we focus our eyes to the One Who called us. 

He will surely lead us through and through.

 

-Proverbs 4:25

LIMBO

"I know that I will live to see the Lord's goodness in the present life. Trust in the Lord. Have Faith. Do not despair. Trust in the Lord"
- Psalm 24: 13-14

This verse is probably the perfect answer to my title, which is where I feel i am now, in limbo, emotional limbo, if there is such a thing.


Neither here nor there. But I know deep inside I know where I am, but I just can't bring my self to 'cross-over' to the other side. To venture back into the unknown. The hesitation, though is not because of the fear or uncertainty with the unknown that's in store for me, but because of the difficulty to let go of what I'll be leaving behind knowing the pain that it will cause.


I am currently confused. About why this had to happen and about what to do. I don't know if at this point I just choose to be confused because knowing the real answer /explanation to this situation is just such a bitter pill to swallow.


I now constantly pray for clarity and strength. That by the time I reach the clarity that I need, that I'd immediately have the strength and courage to act on it, no matter how painful & uncertain the outcome. Because all I need to do is put my full trust in Him. Do I fully trust Him? I know I do, for myself I do. But for the one who will feel the most pain, I need to trust Him to, that He will give comfort when I can't. That He will give us both peace.

I ask that I don't know why this is happening, but maybe at the very back of my mind, a very small part of me knows why, or has known why. It's just a matter of accepting it and moving on. I know though, I can can never leave, that I can never forget. Because it will always be special to me. I will always care. I will always love, maybe not in the same way, but I will.


I pray for peace. I pray for clarity. I pray for strength. I pray for courage. I pray for emotional stability. I pray for all to work out for God's purpose and greater glory.

07 07 10

Today’s Psalm.

PSALM 121:1-8

I lift my eyes up to the hills—Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, The Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.

Things seem to have gone full circle. When I was down right after I learned of the disappointing news on what I was about to experience, I asked for the Lord for His message of comfort and guidance. I opened the Bible to a random page and pointed to a random verse and saw these verses of the Psalm.

These lines indeed gave me comfort and affirmation that things will be okay. And I also have my family and my wonderful friends who were there for me and showed me their utmost concern and love for me. I thank the Lord or these angels whom He's sent me.

Today, this is the responsorial Psalm for today’s readings. Today, when just last Friday, I’ve been already offered a position at another company. The Lord is providing for me and taking care of me. He indeed takes care of all of us.

May God be praised!

image taken from this site: http://klaudiamarrgallery.com/Invitational_Exhibits/2009_-_Evenly_Scattered/more2.html

Is It Really Time To Go?

How come no matter how much I try to be enthused with what I'm doing. There's a nagging voice inside of me that keeps contradicting the value and worth of what I do?

Why is there such an internal struggle? ~