Strange. Here I've been (and some others too) thinking about how it would be for our best to start letting go. More for his best because now, he's the one loving more. Or actually, he's the only one loving the same way of before.
So I tell him, "You should start letting go of me now. Because I don't know if and when I'll be coming around to bring back the love. I really have no idea".
Do I miss him? yes.
Do I miss us? Yes.
So what's the problem? I don't miss him enough to have to want to spend the rest of my life with him. Like before. Or at least, I still don't know if that's what I want.
So I can't do anything about it.
He's not the only one coping. And I feel the adjustments will linger longer for me than for him. Now he just has to start coping with the loss of my love.
As for me, from coping with how to not be guilty about my inability to return the love. As he starts to cope and let go of me, while I may think that I've already let go, the actual feeling and knowledge that he has let go of me, may very well be another emotional hurdle for me.
I don't know, however, if the pain, sadness or loss that I will feel when that happens will only be a result of vanity or sentimentality. But I think, while I do not feel the loneliness now, the kind of loneliness he feels. I might feel it once I see and feel that he's totally moved on from me. Because, while my feelings have changed for him, I don't have someone to catch me from all this. None at this moment.
It may seem harder for him to deal with things now, but I have a nagging feeling it might be harder for me in the longer run... unless I can catch myself or someone's there to catch me.
My prayer now is this. If the time comes that my feelings don't return, that we indeed definitely go our separate ways, live our separate lives and he's moved on from me, it won't be too hard for me and someone will be there to catch me if i can't catch myself...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
UNWAVERING HOPE
Unwavering obedience for God's plan in our life,
no matter how hard, painful and uncomfortable at first.
If we focus our eyes to the One Who called us.
He will surely lead us through and through.
-Proverbs 4:25
Monday, October 31, 2011
LIMBO
"I know that I will live to see the Lord's goodness in the present life. Trust in the Lord. Have Faith. Do not despair. Trust in the Lord"
- Psalm 24: 13-14
- Psalm 24: 13-14
This verse is probably the perfect answer to my title, which is where I feel i am now, in limbo, emotional limbo, if there is such a thing.
Neither here nor there. But I know deep inside I know where I am, but I just can't bring my self to 'cross-over' to the other side. To venture back into the unknown. The hesitation, though is not because of the fear or uncertainty with the unknown that's in store for me, but because of the difficulty to let go of what I'll be leaving behind knowing the pain that it will cause.
I am currently confused. About why this had to happen and about what to do. I don't know if at this point I just choose to be confused because knowing the real answer /explanation to this situation is just such a bitter pill to swallow.
I now constantly pray for clarity and strength. That by the time I reach the clarity that I need, that I'd immediately have the strength and courage to act on it, no matter how painful & uncertain the outcome. Because all I need to do is put my full trust in Him. Do I fully trust Him? I know I do, for myself I do. But for the one who will feel the most pain, I need to trust Him to, that He will give comfort when I can't. That He will give us both peace.
I ask that I don't know why this is happening, but maybe at the very back of my mind, a very small part of me knows why, or has known why. It's just a matter of accepting it and moving on. I know though, I can can never leave, that I can never forget. Because it will always be special to me. I will always care. I will always love, maybe not in the same way, but I will.
I pray for peace. I pray for clarity. I pray for strength. I pray for courage. I pray for emotional stability. I pray for all to work out for God's purpose and greater glory.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
07 07 10
Today’s Psalm.
PSALM 121:1-8
I lift my eyes up to the hills—Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.
Things seem to have gone full circle. When I was down right after I learned of the disappointing news on what I was about to experience, I asked for the Lord for His message of comfort and guidance. I opened the Bible to a random page and pointed to a random verse and saw these verses of the Psalm.
These lines indeed gave me comfort and affirmation that things will be okay. And I also have my family and my wonderful friends who were there for me and showed me their utmost concern and love for me. I thank the Lord or these angels whom He's sent me.
Today, this is the responsorial Psalm for today’s readings. Today, when just last Friday, I’ve been already offered a position at another company. The Lord is providing for me and taking care of me. He indeed takes care of all of us.
May God be praised!
image taken from this site: http://klaudiamarrgallery.com/Invitational_Exhibits/2009_-_Evenly_Scattered/more2.html
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
No Need To Rush
Had a nice, interesting talk with Ms. Gigi today. Though I'm hoping for a world of possibilities opening up for me stemming for out talk over lunch, that thought will be for another post - which I hope I'll have the change of writing about somehow.
This post is more on something she said, which struck me just a while ago. 'Don't get pressured' she said. What was she referring to? Marriage.
It gave me an idea, a thought. Something to think about and discuss with JB. She was talking about how the age of 30 opens up so many new things for a person. Specially one with a pretty active & social adult life. Though I think I've got a pretty average social life.
Anyways, talk of our plans for marriage late next year came up. And what she tells me is not to be pressured, there's no need to rush. That I'm still young, only 30. Imagine that. Come to think of it. Hers isn't the usual reaction I'd usually get when I share about wedding plans looming in the air. Others would usually say something like 'Good for you' or 'It's about time'.
Though I do want to get married, I've actually been feeling that it's not something I exactly want to rush or can't wait to jump into. I'm actually feeling not feeling the pressure or urgency of having to have to get married by end of next year. Though I'm a bit concerned, I'm not panicking that we still don't have savings in preparation for the wedding & married life.
I think deep inside. I'm not in a rush.
Why are women usually in such a rush to get married? It's to be able to have babies. To be honest, with all the things I've seen other women go through with regard to pregnancies, I think I've tried not to be too anxious about wanting to have a child of my own. I'm quite open to the possibility that we might not have any kids, since I've reached the age of 30 and still haven't borne a child. They say it's harder to get pregnant if you haven't given birth at least once before you're 30.
I realized that there's still so much I could do or maybe with the possibility of marriage in the near future, the thought of the new responsibilities that goes along with marriage, being a wife - or eventually a mother - makes me a bit nervous. Maybe the first step of being a wife is something I can handle, but being a mother is a totally different thing.
I've never wanted to be a doctor because I never wanted to be in the position where someone's life is somehow, in my hands. Now thinking about motherhood, well, isn't that the same thing? The life of your child's hands is in your hands.
I'm not saying I don't want to be a mother. I'm sure when the time comes, I'd know what to do. That's nature's way of taking care of things & that's how the Lord designed us anyways.
But I guess, at this point, the thing is, I don't need to rush. As I said, we still don't have enough savings anyways. And JB's still quite young and there's still a lot of things he wants and could do. We can still enjoy single life and life with our families together.
So, what am I saying? Am I saying it's okay to delay the the marriage a bit more? ..... Not really, it's more of just maintaing the state of mind that there's no need to rush. No need to feel pressured. Things will fall into place anyway eventually.
The thing is I've found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to plan on how we'll be doing just that.
Goodness, I think I just experienced some kind of hypnotic lapse. For a splitsecond, before writing this piece, I think I actually entertained, being okay with waiting for 4 more years before getting married. So that we can still experience other things and save more. Now that I think about it, not that I'm in a rush really, but I think it would still be good if we are able to save up & have enough money to push through with our wedding end of next year ;)
What was i thinking?....
This post is more on something she said, which struck me just a while ago. 'Don't get pressured' she said. What was she referring to? Marriage.
It gave me an idea, a thought. Something to think about and discuss with JB. She was talking about how the age of 30 opens up so many new things for a person. Specially one with a pretty active & social adult life. Though I think I've got a pretty average social life.
Anyways, talk of our plans for marriage late next year came up. And what she tells me is not to be pressured, there's no need to rush. That I'm still young, only 30. Imagine that. Come to think of it. Hers isn't the usual reaction I'd usually get when I share about wedding plans looming in the air. Others would usually say something like 'Good for you' or 'It's about time'.
Though I do want to get married, I've actually been feeling that it's not something I exactly want to rush or can't wait to jump into. I'm actually feeling not feeling the pressure or urgency of having to have to get married by end of next year. Though I'm a bit concerned, I'm not panicking that we still don't have savings in preparation for the wedding & married life.
I think deep inside. I'm not in a rush.
Why are women usually in such a rush to get married? It's to be able to have babies. To be honest, with all the things I've seen other women go through with regard to pregnancies, I think I've tried not to be too anxious about wanting to have a child of my own. I'm quite open to the possibility that we might not have any kids, since I've reached the age of 30 and still haven't borne a child. They say it's harder to get pregnant if you haven't given birth at least once before you're 30.
I realized that there's still so much I could do or maybe with the possibility of marriage in the near future, the thought of the new responsibilities that goes along with marriage, being a wife - or eventually a mother - makes me a bit nervous. Maybe the first step of being a wife is something I can handle, but being a mother is a totally different thing.
I've never wanted to be a doctor because I never wanted to be in the position where someone's life is somehow, in my hands. Now thinking about motherhood, well, isn't that the same thing? The life of your child's hands is in your hands.
I'm not saying I don't want to be a mother. I'm sure when the time comes, I'd know what to do. That's nature's way of taking care of things & that's how the Lord designed us anyways.
But I guess, at this point, the thing is, I don't need to rush. As I said, we still don't have enough savings anyways. And JB's still quite young and there's still a lot of things he wants and could do. We can still enjoy single life and life with our families together.
So, what am I saying? Am I saying it's okay to delay the the marriage a bit more? ..... Not really, it's more of just maintaing the state of mind that there's no need to rush. No need to feel pressured. Things will fall into place anyway eventually.
The thing is I've found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to plan on how we'll be doing just that.
Goodness, I think I just experienced some kind of hypnotic lapse. For a splitsecond, before writing this piece, I think I actually entertained, being okay with waiting for 4 more years before getting married. So that we can still experience other things and save more. Now that I think about it, not that I'm in a rush really, but I think it would still be good if we are able to save up & have enough money to push through with our wedding end of next year ;)
What was i thinking?....
Monday, February 02, 2009
Passion of Mine
When will I finish this if not now? Why can’t I think straight? Why can’t I think clearly? No, it’s not that I can’t think straight or clearly, but more of not being able to think about work; about getting down to work.
Is it because I don’t like repeating something I’ve already done? Or I don’t like working on something I’m not sure of. It may be the case. There’s nothing more frustrating than working so hard on something, only knowing in the end – or near the end- that you’ve been moving in the wrong direction all this time.
I think that’s what’s been holding me back – most of the time. I’m not too confident about my decisions and choices. Not confident enough to move forward with things and really make the difference that I have to make – even those that I HAVE to make!!! Imagine that.
Sometimes, I really just wonder how I’ve come this far. To that I only give praise & thanks to the Lord for I am truly blessed. I am a testament of His goodness working in my life. Regardless of my capabilities – or incapability for that matter.
Or maybe it’s because I’m just really weak. Weak to fight or face the challenges ahead of me. But then, didn’t I look forward to these challenges? To these changes? Don’t I always advocate how life would be such a joy & an adventure to have unexpected surprises along the way that one could look forward to. Surprises that include the challenges, the challenges that are supposed to strengthen you and change you into the person you should become. Into the person you want to become. Tough you might not even know it yet.
I hope this ranting will bring out something of use for me. I hope this will get me started. I need something more than focus & concentration to be able to do what I need to do. I need a motivation, an inspiration…. the passion. Where art thou passion of mine?
Is it because I don’t like repeating something I’ve already done? Or I don’t like working on something I’m not sure of. It may be the case. There’s nothing more frustrating than working so hard on something, only knowing in the end – or near the end- that you’ve been moving in the wrong direction all this time.
I think that’s what’s been holding me back – most of the time. I’m not too confident about my decisions and choices. Not confident enough to move forward with things and really make the difference that I have to make – even those that I HAVE to make!!! Imagine that.
Sometimes, I really just wonder how I’ve come this far. To that I only give praise & thanks to the Lord for I am truly blessed. I am a testament of His goodness working in my life. Regardless of my capabilities – or incapability for that matter.
Or maybe it’s because I’m just really weak. Weak to fight or face the challenges ahead of me. But then, didn’t I look forward to these challenges? To these changes? Don’t I always advocate how life would be such a joy & an adventure to have unexpected surprises along the way that one could look forward to. Surprises that include the challenges, the challenges that are supposed to strengthen you and change you into the person you should become. Into the person you want to become. Tough you might not even know it yet.
I hope this ranting will bring out something of use for me. I hope this will get me started. I need something more than focus & concentration to be able to do what I need to do. I need a motivation, an inspiration…. the passion. Where art thou passion of mine?
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