Tuesday, November 06, 2007

From Frustration to Self-Psyco-Analysis

I don’t know why I can’t work easily. I don’t know why I don’t feel that I need to prove myself to anyone. I don’t know where to get my motivation. Why am I so moody?

I’m blessed to have things relatively easy for me. I acknowledge that an I am thankful for it. Though I have my share of struggles and pains, I still feel as if I am a weakling. Maybe not really a weakling, but that I still haven’t grown as I should.

I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because the world I choose to live in is a small one. Though it’s natural to me to reach out and help people in need, it is not natural for me to just reach out for the sake of expanding my network, expanding my territory.

I guess that’s just how I’m wired. With the limitations and scarcity that I’ve encountered in my life, I have learned to accept the things that I have, to live with it and make the most out of them. It’s quite unfortunate, I think, however that such experiences hasn’t pushed me enough to expand what little I have; to make it grow, to multiply into abundance. That is something I expect to come at the opportune time.

I think I’ve shared this with a friend before. Literally, I am an impatient person. I get impatient while falling in line or while waiting for someone I have an appointment with once they’re a tad bit too late. However, in life, I think I’ve been patient enough to wait for the things that are to come my way. In terms of friendships, opportunities for jobs, exciting activities, opportunities for travel even love. I think I’ve been able to wait patiently for the things that were meant for me, for the things that I would like to experience. Of course, it’s not completely passive waiting that I did. I made sure that my activities and behavior were directed to one day achieving or experiencing things which I desired for my life. Fortunately, they have arrived. In spite of setbacks, I think I’ve been able to experience a lot of exciting things in life and those things seem to have come at the opportune time for me.

Now, why was I led to talk about that? I don’t know. I just started writing this, again, out of frustration with not knowing what to write for something that has something to do with work. Oh, I remember. That actually led me to think again if this is where I want to be; If this is what I want to do; If this is where I’ll be able to use my talents and treasures to its highest potential. Sometimes I love it, sometimes, I’m just not inspired. That’s just downright frustrating. Especially, if I’ve been enlightened to offer my work to the Lord, to offer my work as my prayer. It’s difficult as it is to set my prayer time because it’s hard to fit it into daily schedules, plus of course the distractions once I do get that time alone. Now it’s even more difficult to offer up my work when I know my work is also full of distractions or is lacking inspiration.

As I get to know myself a bit more, it seems I’m proving how my theory on my entry on my difficulty with creating abstract art is really a reflection of how I am. I cannot move pointlessly, directionless, or plan-less. I can’t walk to any direction if I can’t visualize any end goal or result to the direction I am taking. Same way, I can’t work given too much freedom to not have a concrete deliverable each time. It sounds really boring but I guess that’s how I am. This is also probably why I’m one who has no problem with following rules or guidelines. Unless of course, it already steps on the emotional realm. But then, that’s another story… My mind trail has stopped. I shall cut this entry short lest I trail too far off. I think that has been my mind burp. Can’t say my mind was full of stuff, maybe it was full of air, which is why I needed to burp. Hopefully after this, I’ll be able to write the missive that I’m supposed to be composing… Ciao!