Tuesday, November 06, 2007

From Frustration to Self-Psyco-Analysis

I don’t know why I can’t work easily. I don’t know why I don’t feel that I need to prove myself to anyone. I don’t know where to get my motivation. Why am I so moody?

I’m blessed to have things relatively easy for me. I acknowledge that an I am thankful for it. Though I have my share of struggles and pains, I still feel as if I am a weakling. Maybe not really a weakling, but that I still haven’t grown as I should.

I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because the world I choose to live in is a small one. Though it’s natural to me to reach out and help people in need, it is not natural for me to just reach out for the sake of expanding my network, expanding my territory.

I guess that’s just how I’m wired. With the limitations and scarcity that I’ve encountered in my life, I have learned to accept the things that I have, to live with it and make the most out of them. It’s quite unfortunate, I think, however that such experiences hasn’t pushed me enough to expand what little I have; to make it grow, to multiply into abundance. That is something I expect to come at the opportune time.

I think I’ve shared this with a friend before. Literally, I am an impatient person. I get impatient while falling in line or while waiting for someone I have an appointment with once they’re a tad bit too late. However, in life, I think I’ve been patient enough to wait for the things that are to come my way. In terms of friendships, opportunities for jobs, exciting activities, opportunities for travel even love. I think I’ve been able to wait patiently for the things that were meant for me, for the things that I would like to experience. Of course, it’s not completely passive waiting that I did. I made sure that my activities and behavior were directed to one day achieving or experiencing things which I desired for my life. Fortunately, they have arrived. In spite of setbacks, I think I’ve been able to experience a lot of exciting things in life and those things seem to have come at the opportune time for me.

Now, why was I led to talk about that? I don’t know. I just started writing this, again, out of frustration with not knowing what to write for something that has something to do with work. Oh, I remember. That actually led me to think again if this is where I want to be; If this is what I want to do; If this is where I’ll be able to use my talents and treasures to its highest potential. Sometimes I love it, sometimes, I’m just not inspired. That’s just downright frustrating. Especially, if I’ve been enlightened to offer my work to the Lord, to offer my work as my prayer. It’s difficult as it is to set my prayer time because it’s hard to fit it into daily schedules, plus of course the distractions once I do get that time alone. Now it’s even more difficult to offer up my work when I know my work is also full of distractions or is lacking inspiration.

As I get to know myself a bit more, it seems I’m proving how my theory on my entry on my difficulty with creating abstract art is really a reflection of how I am. I cannot move pointlessly, directionless, or plan-less. I can’t walk to any direction if I can’t visualize any end goal or result to the direction I am taking. Same way, I can’t work given too much freedom to not have a concrete deliverable each time. It sounds really boring but I guess that’s how I am. This is also probably why I’m one who has no problem with following rules or guidelines. Unless of course, it already steps on the emotional realm. But then, that’s another story… My mind trail has stopped. I shall cut this entry short lest I trail too far off. I think that has been my mind burp. Can’t say my mind was full of stuff, maybe it was full of air, which is why I needed to burp. Hopefully after this, I’ll be able to write the missive that I’m supposed to be composing… Ciao!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Happy Announcement!

Not from me though. I'm just so happy to hear wonderful news this morning from a dear friend that she and her boyfriend are getting married this year!!!! Super happy for them. Especially for my sister-friend. I know this is something she's been longing for. She deserves this happiness.
Praise God for the wonderful, wonderful news!!! Y

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

Would like to share this beautiful story. Click on to the link to the short story written by Shel Silverstein.

This is for all those in search of the 'One'.... Cheerios!



I just had to put that in as my title as I've finally been able to sign into my blogspot account. I was thrown off track in terms of the log in process because of the merging with google where instead of my old username, i had to use my google account to log in. My goodness, if my laptop could talk back to me it would've told me how totally S-L-O-W i've been...

Anyways, that isn't the reason for my post. So, if my first paragraph seems so hazy, it's okay. It was just a rant....

The real title of this entry should be 'Simple Answered Prayers'. I was just so happy when I came in this morning, because I was dreading this day the entire weekend.

I doesn't help that I've been beset with financial concerns (which I try not to bring me down, as of the moment I've done all I have and I have all I have to work with). I know I shouldn't worry because there's this saying which I've been encountering a lot lately which I should keep in mind -- Worrying is an insult to God. I know sometimes we can't help it. So maybe instead of worrying, what we should do is continue to hope. Come to think of it, hoping seems to be worrying with a positive disposition, or maybe not. Hope has Trust, worrying well, doesn't.

Anyways, straying from my real topic. I just want to share a little blessing which really lightened my mood, my disposition actually. Gods truly works in amazing mysterious ways.

As I said, aside from being down because of some big concerns, I had immediate concerns which preoccupied me this past weekend. It was a meeting for today which I felt I wasn't entirely prepared for. I felt that if the meeting pushed thorough, I don't know, it would just make me feel so farther down in terms of my professional confidence especially if i feel that I won't be participating well in that meeting.

I've been having internal, personal struggles in terms of my current profession lately, and I don't need another blow to my personal insecurity. Not that anybody's putting me down. Honestly, it's just me. Again, I'm sorry for being so vague, but it's also a different entry altogether if i start listing down the reasons for my worries.

Anyways, over the weekend, I had my Gel to keep me strong in the midst of the bigger problems I've been facing. What I kept praying about was what I'll be facing today (alone) when I come to work and attend that meeting (with clients). On the outside, it might not seem like a big deal, but as I said, inside of me, if anything goes wrong, it might break my spirit (workwise).

Anyways, you want to know what the answered prayer is? it's so simple and yet so amazing..... the meeting did not push through. That's it. So simple. Yet it took off a big load off my shoulders. I know it sounds weird, but I guess it's something only God & I would understand. Sorry though that it had be be cancelled because the moderator of the meeting (who happens to be a client) fell sick. There must be a different reason for him why he had to get sick today.
Anyways, it's just amazing how that little, simple answered prayer compelled me to write an entry again in this blogspot of mine. It compelled me so much to the point that I'm writing this evening, past 7pm when I've been trying to log in to my account since 9am this morning.

I could've just let go and not share this story and yet i perservered.

The reason why it's such a big thing is because, this small answered prayer, not only made me feel better or relieved because of having 'escaped' that meeting, but because it actually propped my hope up some more in terms of the bigger problems that I am facing.

Last saturday night, Gel & I were in our garden. And out of the blue he just started reassuring me that everything's going to be okay and that I just have to continue hoping and believing. I was quite surprised with him saying that out of the blue. Silly me, I don't know why, but I thought he was just trying to make me smile. But he was serious. I said, of course I'm not losing hope.

But later on did i realize that I am quite nearly at my wits end. I wonder how my mom does it or how other people do it, or even how I've done it so far and for how long I can still hold on. I realized it I have been starting to get weaker, or I might be on the verge of starting to get weaker.

Anyways, as I said, this little answered prayer boosted my hope and faith again. Somehow, like a little vitamin. That God will indeed take care of me always. He will not forsake or leave me. So in whatever problem I may be facing, He knows what to do. He will take care of me & my family. And there will really be no need to worry.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Climb of My Life... so far :p

Had an experience of a lifetime during the last Independence Day holiday, June 11. For me it might very well be a once in a lifetime experience because I'm not sure if it's something i'd be doing again ever... or in the near future at least.

I tried wall climbing once, which was at the UP fair. That time, it was an exhilarating experience to reach the top on my second try. More so, this time, having been able to reach the top on my first try – not without any slipping and swinging action though.

Yup, I slipped and swung, a bit like a pendulum. Fortunately I was able to gather my wits not to let my head swing about while I swung back & forth the side of that mountain. I just kept my head still and let my poor bare arms just hit the wall.

Later did I realize that I still wasn’t halfway through the climb when that happened. At that point, I got a bit rattled and though that it must be time for me to rappel down. Yet my friends kept cheering me on. They were yelling at me to just relax and take my time. Ironically, it’s in these situations when one can or have to yell to get someone to relax. I was wondering how bad my ‘fall’ was. When I looked down the first expression I sought was that of my JB. Surprisingly, instead of a worried expression, what I saw on him was a reassuring look. He too coached me to relax and take my time. I was comforted even with him and all the others so far down.

I’d say the climb, for me was such a test of will power! I knew I’m not extremely fit, meaning I tend to tire easily now. I also wasn’t as confident about how strong my legs were to support me throughout the climb. I knew climbing isn’t all about power. You should also use your head to know which path to take to the top. Honestly, there was a point where I even doubted if I was even smart enough to reach the top, because the surface was quite difficult to scale with some parts seeming practically crevice-less or ‘ridge-less’. It did cross my mind to think about what could be more embarrassing, to not be able to reach the top because I’m not powerful enough or I’m not ‘smart’ enough to know which areas to cling to. Especially after having seen everybody else who has gone before me reach the top – most of whom have the same rock climbing experience as I (meaning co-first timersJ).

Aside from some smarts and actual power, this was also a moment when I was really able to use will power to overcome the obstacle before me. In spite of fears of not being strong enough or smart enough, I was determined to reach the top. There’s a fear of slipping which could happen by accident (as what happened) or when you give in to your ‘weakness’. But I felt that I just had to do it one stride at a time. I had to manage my fear and power (what’s left of it) to get to the top. It came to the point that I would count to three to psych myself each time I try to grab on to the next rock or crevice and push myself up to stand to go higher. In the midst of the cheers, which reassured me, I too had to cheer myself on.
As much as I’m open to adventures of this kind, I realize I do have a fear of heights, more of a fear of inclined areas, maybe. I think it’s due to an overactive imagination. There were parts of the activities where I practically froze because of fear. On was before climbing up a steep rocky slope (which was not an activity btw, but just a pathway to our base camp!) or letting go of the bridge railing so that I can slide down a rope (sorry, I don’t know what that’s called J).

The slope was steep and narrow, with vines and loose rocks. I was able to get down the slope nervously but carefully. But when I had to climb back up the slope, I think I spent a good 3 to 5 mins just staring at the rocks. I was imagining how if I stepped on unstable loose rocks I could easily slide down and who knows what could happen with all those rocks around. Eventually I was able to climb the slope. JB just showed me which areas I could latch on to get up the slope then followed close behind me.

One highlight for me, though, was when it rained! For some it wasn’t so wonderful that it rained because it means they weren’t able to have their turn to climb anymore. It would be too dangerous to climb by then. But what was so wonderful about the rain was to be soaked in it amidst such nature.

I loved the climb experience! It was a scary yet wonderful nature experience. I really felt like I ‘bonded’ with those rocks for a moment. Scaling the face of that mountain groping for crevices and ledges to rely on was like feeling the face of a person with your eyes closed. Imagine, climbing the face of a mountain with the soft breeze enveloping you as the gush of the river resonates in the background, not to mention the beauty of the nature all around.

** As I was writing about my climb experience earlier on, I can’t help but notice how my rock climbing experience could have similarities with climbing the corporate ladder, or pursuing a career, then again, it may be likened to life in general.

It’s a huge obstacle we’re faced with each day. We have our fears, we have our weaknesses, we have those times when we slip and fall. But our goal is to reach the top. Whatever happens, we have the choice to continue or to move on to the top. But there are people around us who cheer us on, who reassures us when we fall, people who may not be right beside us to feed us with what to do, but they’re there nonetheless to coach us, support us & inspire us. But a lot of the work also has to come from us. When we are faced with our own weaknesses, with our own fears, we will need our determination to keep going forward to keep going on. Things around us may weaken us, but it’s what inside us that will make us stronger. You know yourself. You will know how to pace yourself. You will know how to manage your strengths and weaknesses. You will know when to make the right timing.

But there’s something I wasn’t able to say earlier on about what else helped me reach the top. I had a harness on with a rope for belaying me. I realized, for me at least, that the rope wasn’t just there as a safety measure for in case I slip or fall (which I got to experience first hand), but more importantly, it also served as a source of strength for each time that I try to pull myself up. While I was psyching myself each time that I still have enough power to pull myself up, I figured how the rope, with the weight of the ‘belayer’ below, was also reassuring me that as I pull my self up, it will help me get up and maintain stability. Like an force that works with me or that I work with that helps each step of the way. Each time, I had to trust that that the one pulling the rope will help me take each step of the climb or else I’ll just freeze and give up.

I must say, that that force, I liken to God, whom I need to put all my trust in for each step that I make. I rely on Him not only when I slip, weakening or in need, but generally for every step that I make in life. I have people around me, who support, comfort and love me. I have my own will and determination to push myself to accomplish a task, but it won’t be enough to reach my goal. I also need God’s guidance and grace for the strength to move on. My own strength will never be enough.

It’s just so amazing how God shows Himself and makes Himself felt in any situation. I guess in a way, that climb was all about feeling God’s presence in my life, in life in general, through a very special situation.