Monday, June 29, 2009

Is It Really Time To Go?

How come no matter how much I try to be enthused with what I'm doing. There's a nagging voice inside of me that keeps contradicting the value and worth of what I do?

Why is there such an internal struggle? ~

Thursday, May 28, 2009

No Need To Rush

Had a nice, interesting talk with Ms. Gigi today. Though I'm hoping for a world of possibilities opening up for me stemming for out talk over lunch, that thought will be for another post - which I hope I'll have the change of writing about somehow.

This post is more on something she said, which struck me just a while ago. 'Don't get pressured' she said. What was she referring to? Marriage.

It gave me an idea, a thought. Something to think about and discuss with JB. She was talking about how the age of 30 opens up so many new things for a person. Specially one with a pretty active & social adult life. Though I think I've got a pretty average social life.

Anyways, talk of our plans for marriage late next year came up. And what she tells me is not to be pressured, there's no need to rush. That I'm still young, only 30. Imagine that. Come to think of it. Hers isn't the usual reaction I'd usually get when I share about wedding plans looming in the air. Others would usually say something like 'Good for you' or 'It's about time'.

Though I do want to get married, I've actually been feeling that it's not something I exactly want to rush or can't wait to jump into. I'm actually feeling not feeling the pressure or urgency of having to have to get married by end of next year. Though I'm a bit concerned, I'm not panicking that we still don't have savings in preparation for the wedding & married life.

I think deep inside. I'm not in a rush.

Why are women usually in such a rush to get married? It's to be able to have babies. To be honest, with all the things I've seen other women go through with regard to pregnancies, I think I've tried not to be too anxious about wanting to have a child of my own. I'm quite open to the possibility that we might not have any kids, since I've reached the age of 30 and still haven't borne a child. They say it's harder to get pregnant if you haven't given birth at least once before you're 30.

I realized that there's still so much I could do or maybe with the possibility of marriage in the near future, the thought of the new responsibilities that goes along with marriage, being a wife - or eventually a mother - makes me a bit nervous. Maybe the first step of being a wife is something I can handle, but being a mother is a totally different thing.

I've never wanted to be a doctor because I never wanted to be in the position where someone's life is somehow, in my hands. Now thinking about motherhood, well, isn't that the same thing? The life of your child's hands is in your hands.

I'm not saying I don't want to be a mother. I'm sure when the time comes, I'd know what to do. That's nature's way of taking care of things & that's how the Lord designed us anyways.

But I guess, at this point, the thing is, I don't need to rush. As I said, we still don't have enough savings anyways. And JB's still quite young and there's still a lot of things he wants and could do. We can still enjoy single life and life with our families together.

So, what am I saying? Am I saying it's okay to delay the the marriage a bit more? ..... Not really, it's more of just maintaing the state of mind that there's no need to rush. No need to feel pressured. Things will fall into place anyway eventually.

The thing is I've found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to plan on how we'll be doing just that.

Goodness, I think I just experienced some kind of hypnotic lapse. For a splitsecond, before writing this piece, I think I actually entertained, being okay with waiting for 4 more years before getting married. So that we can still experience other things and save more. Now that I think about it, not that I'm in a rush really, but I think it would still be good if we are able to save up & have enough money to push through with our wedding end of next year ;)

What was i thinking?....

Monday, February 02, 2009

Passion of Mine

When will I finish this if not now? Why can’t I think straight? Why can’t I think clearly? No, it’s not that I can’t think straight or clearly, but more of not being able to think about work; about getting down to work.

Is it because I don’t like repeating something I’ve already done? Or I don’t like working on something I’m not sure of. It may be the case. There’s nothing more frustrating than working so hard on something, only knowing in the end – or near the end- that you’ve been moving in the wrong direction all this time.

I think that’s what’s been holding me back – most of the time. I’m not too confident about my decisions and choices. Not confident enough to move forward with things and really make the difference that I have to make – even those that I HAVE to make!!! Imagine that.

Sometimes, I really just wonder how I’ve come this far. To that I only give praise & thanks to the Lord for I am truly blessed. I am a testament of His goodness working in my life. Regardless of my capabilities – or incapability for that matter.

Or maybe it’s because I’m just really weak. Weak to fight or face the challenges ahead of me. But then, didn’t I look forward to these challenges? To these changes? Don’t I always advocate how life would be such a joy & an adventure to have unexpected surprises along the way that one could look forward to. Surprises that include the challenges, the challenges that are supposed to strengthen you and change you into the person you should become. Into the person you want to become. Tough you might not even know it yet.

I hope this ranting will bring out something of use for me. I hope this will get me started. I need something more than focus & concentration to be able to do what I need to do. I need a motivation, an inspiration…. the passion. Where art thou passion of mine?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hold On

This is a nice, inspiring quote which I stumbled upon which I want (and maybe even need) to go back to every now and then.

Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree which stands alone.
Hold on to what you must do, even if it is a long way from here.
–Pueblo Verse

The Smiley

This is somewhat connected to the post on text language some posts back. I just realized, as I was responding to an office email a while ago, what effect texting has on my other means of correspondence.

I noticed, how even as I write emails, it has been a habit to include smileys - variations of it even [ :) or =) ] - as I type. And I realize how I seem to have been using smileys to the point of making it into a punctuation mark of sorts. Not only that, but I actually cringe at the thought at having to erase some of them - or Egad! all of them! - because it takes out the smiley emotion I put in writing the missive.

Interesting how such habits just creep in to other facets of your life... or maybe it's just me.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Some are just jobs, others are actually a lifestyle. Mine seems to have to be a lifestyle.
Sadly, I realize, I’m not sure if it is the lifestyle that fits me. I just have a little dilemma in finding that it seems I’ve been led to this kind of lifestyle which I thought I wanted but now am not sure if is something I’m meant for…. Now isn’t that strange? or disturbing?.... :o